Life Lately (Or Why I'm Not Doing the Mom Guilt Thing)

Ahhh...returning to this blinking cursor is the emotional equivalent of sticking my toes in the sand. It feels good to be back. I need some rejuvenation and to process some of the things that have been going on in my head. I returned to work, nearly a month ago and I've written one quality post since then. I never wanted to become the Mom that deserted her passion when the demands of parenthood kicked in, but alas, here I am, in all of my spit-up covered Mommy glory.

Life has been challenging lately. I've always done the work of two people at my job, so it would be challenging to get caught up if I was in the office 5 days a week, but I'm not. My employer is allowing me to come in 4 days a week as I acclimate to this Mom gig, and I don't for a second feel guilty about seizing that opportunity.

My house is a mess. And I don't say that in a fake-modest kind of way. It's legitimately disgusting. The floors haven't been vacuumed in about a month, dirty dishes sit in my sink and there is stuff.everywhere. A chaotic house makes for a chaotic mind and that's kind of where I'm at right now. But I'm not beating myself up about it. I'm busy, damnit. Do I like living in a pigsty? Hell no. Do I acknowledge that I have a new person to take care of, a job to do well, and a need for some occasional me time after a long day? You bet. 

Since becoming a Mom I have become acutely aware of this culture of Mom guilt. I'm not even allowing myself to go there. A couple months ago I read Bringing Up Bebe and it totally set the foundation for my evolving parenting philosophy. I will not make myself feel guilty. I will not be a martyr. My husband and baby come first. But I deserve time for myself too. It doesn't make me a bad mom to crave some time to relax and unwind. In fact, it might just make me a better one. I am not going to be the Mom that caters to my child's every whim and loses myself in the process. I am still a person and I deserve happiness, as well. 

This idea of giving myself grace is kind of new to me. I've always been suuuuuper good at dwelling in guilt. But seriously- I am too tired to keep it up. Grace and coffee are all that sustains me during this season of my life. So yeah, do I wish I was able to bounce back to my pre-pregnancy weight? A little. But right now, my body is still being leased out by a little growing boy who needs it more than I do. Breastfeeding is my current focus so I'm really not in a huge hurry to get back to where I was. The time will come when Charlie starts to wean himself, and I will get serious about an intense exercise regime. Until then, I'm going to love my squishy body the way it is and thank God that I have been blessed enough to use it for the nourishment of my baby. There are no self-deprecating remarks to be had here. My body is a temple both at 125 lbs and at 140. 

I guess that's all that I wanted to say. Or all that I could muster up during nap time (while I should probably be picking up the living room- but like I said, no guilt here). I'm thankful to always have this space to come back to, and even more thankful to have a weird little cyber community of friends and supporters who keep coming back to it while I'm just a tad bit flighty.

Thanks for the grace, my friends. And if I may say so- try giving yourself some more of it. It's incredibly liberating.