19/20 Weeks (and Being a Boy Mom)

Baby Pep,

It's really a shame that your Mama can't be counted on to do something as simple as a weekly "bumpdate." Guess you should get used to that flightiness now- you've got a lifetime of it ahead of you! As I remember, 19 weeks was not all that exciting. But 20 weeks- phew! What a jam-packed few days it's been. On Friday, I made the 9+ hour drive to meet up with your Grandma in New Jersey. Your Great-Grandma had major surgery a couple months ago and is now in a nursing home recuperating. Although she could be doing better, she could be doing a lot worse so we're counting our blessings that she is still, for the most part, as sharp and sassy as ever. With your impending arrival, I wasn't sure how many more opportunities I'd have to visit so I took advantage of my 3-day weekend to spend some time with her. 

Your Grandma and I also partook in some retail therapy and she filled your Mama to the brim with some good, East Coast pizza and Mexican food. I bet you were loving that! I loved getting to spend some one-on-one time with your Grandma and she loved shopping for (gender neutral) baby clothes!

19 week selfie!

After a long, long 12 hour drive coming home on Sunday your Mama was beat. Daddy put me to bed and we woke up bright, early and excited for our 20-week ultrasound and midwife appointment. Since your Daddy wasn't able to make my first two appointments, his presence made everything a bit more exciting and surreal. We got to the medical center super early for our appointment, but they managed to get us right in for our ultrasound. The ultrasound room was much nicer than the first office I visited and our ultrasound tech couldn't have been nicer. She briefly went over some routine medical questions and then with a loud squirt my belly was covered in jelly and your cute little body was up on the screen. Because you were face down, we didn't get to see a clear shot of your face, but she was able to see your facial structure through the back of your skull; to which your Mama exclaimed, "S/he looks like Voldemort!" We burst out laughing and the ultrasound jiggled like crazy. 

Prior to getting started, Marsha (our tech) asked us if we wanted to know the gender- "YES!" we replied. We didn't have the patience to wait to find out- we wanted to know as soon as possible. As she guided the wand under your bum we got a nice, juicy shot of your goods. Before she even said it, I knew- you were a boy!!!

I couldn't believe it. Your Daddy was so excited, but I just remained in a state of shock. I was so sure you were going to be a girl. I thought it was fate- your Daddy would have been such a great little girl Daddy and I was so looking forward to naming you after your Great-Grandma. Although, I was excited, I still couldn't believe I was wrong! Eventually, the ultrasound came to a close and the tech assured us your development looked terrific and we had no reason to worry. We continued on to meet with our midwife where she listened to my blood pressure, your heartbeat and measured my belly growth. I also took the opportunity to pepper her with questions I had written down while reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth a couple weeks before.

After our appointment, we went out for a late breakfast and sent a message to all our family and friends with the news. We were overwhelmed by all the love we received and we spent the rest of the day just relaxing and basking in the glow of our extreme blessing.

However, I admit that it wasn't until I had the opportunity to sleep on this profound news that it really sunk in for me. Tuesday morning, as I made my usual hour drive into work, I spent some time ruminating on this new reality and I began to cry. Not just cry, hysterically sob. This whole time, I thought Chuck was meant to have a little girl, but as usual, God knew what was best for me and provided me this miraculous opportunity to be a boy mom. I know it sounds corny, and maybe a little exaggerated, but in that moment I felt so incredibly thankful and blessed.

During my most formative years, I lacked a strong father figure. My Daddy was and is not a bad man. Nor was a he a bad father, he was more of just an...absent father. My father got no joy out of life and while I know he did and continues to love me and my sister, the role of father was never one that fit him comfortably. My Mommy essentially raised us as a single parent, while my Daddy was good for a silly song played on his guitar or a round of playful tickling now and again. After they got divorced, my mom married someone who was a bad man. These two men left an impression on me and I've spent most of my life being completely distrusting of all men at my worst, and incredibly uncomfortable around men at my best.

But God knew my heart and allowed this beautiful new life to transform me. Where your Daddy began to repair my hurt and trust issues, your life is going to mean so much to me. The fact that I get to play a role in shaping you and turning you into a man that is worthy of trust is not lost on me. This enormous responsibility and overwhelming blessing left me in tears. Baby Pep, I am so excited to be your Mom. For the first time in this pregnancy, the reality finally hit me. Words cannot describe how much of a blessing you already are to me, baby boy.

I love you so much already.

Love,

Mommy