I have to believe that this phenomenom is not unique to me, but to every newlywed...ever. But since marrying Chuck I feel like I have become a full-blown basketcase. Allow me to explain.
Chuck was the first boy I ever loved. I really couldn't even grasp the concept of being in love and sure as all heck couldn't relate to the damsels in distress in all those Nicholas Sparks books I was reading. Then I met Chuck and suddenly it all made sense. I re-watched P.S. I Love You, A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, and countless other cheesy movies and it all clicked. I watched as fictional characters lost the love of their life and I was a mess.
My biggest fear since marriage has become losing Chuck. Granted, I would be devastated to lose any of my family. But the overused cliches of becoming one with your spouse ring so true for me. If ever I were to lose Chuck, I would lose part of my life. It scares me shitless.
I've caught myself envisioning what would happen if Chuck ever got in a car accident. I get anxious when he isn't home at the exact minute that I expected him. I'm sure with time, this fear will lessen and the feelings of infatuation will slowly subside, but for now my husband has to put up with an emotional wreck of a wife. Who cries at those Facebook re-posts of Army wives losing their soldier husbands, who gathers a lump in her throat just watching cartoon animals die and who lives and breathes as one with my soulmate.
Re-reading this now, I'm conscious of how freaking crazy and obsessed I sound. Poor Chuck has got himself a creeper! So help me out- any other newlyweds or not-so-newlyweds as neurotic as I am?
P.S. Congratulations to my giveaway winner, Breanna!
Look out for an e-mail headed your way later today girlie :)
Hi Kaity! I think every couple responds differently to their significant others, but I do truly believe we'd all feel a part of us missing if something were to happen to our spouse. No denying it there. :) I don't think you're neurotic, just a sweet wife that loves her husband!
ReplyDeleteOh, you are definitely NOT alone in this! My husband and I were watching Ghost a few months after we got married and by the end I was crying so hard I made myself sick! I still can't watch Time Traveler's Wife or PS I Love You without completely losing it. I still struggle with these same fears, although they aren't as panic-attack-y as they used to be. It took a lot of prayer and conversations about how I would kick his butt if he ever died to get there, though!
ReplyDeleteHey, girl! I love this post b/c i feel the same way. You expressed exactly how i feel. We got married at 30 & 33 - it seemed like it took forever to find "the one"! I hated the movie The Notebook but after finding Brad, i thought - maybe i was just cynical then. So i watched it again & the story in the movie is so similar to mine. I actually had to pause the movie & SOB - marveling at how good God is to bring us back together.
ReplyDeleteLess than a year after we married, i was Asst Stage Mgr for a production... Brad had mentioned he didn't feel well that morning - he felt dizzy. I talked to him before a production meeting & told him i would call him after the meeting, before rehearsal. I did, and he didn't answer. I thought - maybe he's in the shower. I called again later. No answer. I started calling his cell - nothing. Brad is the most predictable person - if he's not home, he's at work or w/ me. He just doesn't suddenly decide to go somewhere. I started getting VERY worried. By the time i left tech rehearsal to go find him dead on the living room floor (what i was picturing!), i was in TEARS & shaking & praying the whole way home! You don't just leave tech rehearsal but i was freaking out! I am sure everyone thought i was just a loony newlywed. ;) I got home & Brad opened the door all happy to see me b/c i was home early. I burst into tears! LOL. I laugh now but it was HORRIBLE.
My biggest fear is losing him - hands down. We just made four years of marriage, and i haven't had any more episodes like that one, but if i can't get in touch w/ him my mind can definitely wonder. I try not to let myself think about it & just enjoy him! It does get easier w/ time...but i still worry...
Actually - i just found the post where i wrote about it... http://www.littlemrsmarried.com/2009/07/sweet-relief.html If you want to feel a little less psycho. ;)
ReplyDeleteI remember when it happened someone said i wasn't crazy - just in love. :)
OMG its so nice to read that someone else has the same anxious feelings I do! I call my husband 40 times in a row if he's not home on time at night. Plus he has to travel a lot so I'm always worrying:(
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact way. I always think about how I could never go on with life if anything happened to my husband. He's literally my world!
ReplyDeleteNext month, my husband and I will celebrate 7 years of marriage {9 years of together-ness} and I still worry about something happening to him. I worry about how he would handle things if anything ever happened to me.....what about our kids? Do we have enough life insurance? Does he know all of my online-passwords to pay the bills? It's a downward spiral! So, I just try to live in the moment. :)
ReplyDeleteLol - yeah..... I wish I could tell you it gets better. I think I was a totally reasonable person before I got married, and then if my husband didn't answer when I called him, I was 90% sure he was dead. I mean, what is that?! After 5+ years, I have those panicky thoughts less frequently, but I just don't know what I would do if anything happened to him. I'm glad I'm not the only one! :-)
ReplyDeletehoney, you are not the only one. i freak out too. when the thought crosses my mind, i freak out because i can't imagine it. i don't want to imagine it and put it out in the universe. i don't ever want to think that one day he might not be there or he is taken away from me.
ReplyDeleteit is the biggest fear because i love him so much. gosh, just the thought is bring me close to tears that i have to stop writing now. :/
just know that you are not alone.
I find that those thoughts try to creep in but I can't let them stay... fear only paralyzes me. (Keep in mind I've had almost ten years of marriage now to get this in proper perspective. I wasn't always so calm about it haha. :)) Anyways, the worst thing for me would be to lose my husband or my kids. And sometimes my thoughts try to go toward losing my entire family at the same time. But I can't let those thoughts stay. I just can't. I can't live with that fear.
ReplyDeleteInstead I have to recognize that should that ever happen to me that yes, I would be a total mess and probably for a long time. But I also know that my God is good. God knows what it is like to have a son die. God knows what it is to be alone. And God is my I AM. He says "I AM everything you need. I AM the one who will get you through this hard time. I AM the one who will help you find joy again." And when I remember that I don't freak out so much.
It's normal to think of losing those you love. I wouldn't know who I am without my husband anymore. But with God I would be able to find my way again.
PS... I hope this never happens to either of us!!!
i'm just dating an amazing guy and i feel that way. i try to just take it as a sign that i really care about him, and try to trust that he feels the same way or he wouldn't put up with me when i spaz out over things like that. :)
ReplyDeleteoh sweetie! I love that you are real with your posts. I can't explain why, I don't have an explanation, but I can certainly understand what you are talking about. It is SO scary to think of losing our spouse. I actually wrote a similar post a few weeks ago here http://sharelovealways.blogspot.ca/2012/11/the-day-my-husband-remained-healthy.html, after finding out my husband's doctor had called and wanted to see him to "discuss his chest x-ray". My husband waited the day after a big exam to tell me. I can't explain the desperation I felt at that moment, but let's just say that I lost my appetite. I tried to be strong, and that lasted 5 minutes. I cried and cried. Poor hubby. Anyway, he's healthy (Thank you God!!).
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
I know exactly how you feel! It is a very scary feeling even having to imagine something so tragic. I try to give it all to God and let my anxiety about any of that subside. Keyword: TRY. Just yesterday I was certain my boyfriend was in the hospital because he wasn't replying to my text after an hour... turns out he was in a meeting at work. Oops. It is very scary but very beautiful to have someone that you have the ability to think that way about. Best wishes! :)
ReplyDeleteOhh man I totally relate. When Jon has a late flight or is gone on a weekend flight or even just out with the boys for drinks I CANNOT sleep. I can't imagine what it will be like when he deploys, I'm scared to death. When we were home over Thanksgiving for a wedding he went out with all the groomsmen and the groom the night before the wedding while I stayed in to catch up on sleep...only I stayed up and cried until he got back A) because I was so tired I couldn't sleep and B) because I just cannot sleep if he's not in bed next to me. I'm such a baby. I'm sure when the time comes I'll learn to deal, but, no you are definitely not alone in your husband obsession!
ReplyDeleteNo, I completely agree with you. Since Jason and I got serious, and my grandpa passed away (my grandparents were married for 62 years!) I have become consumed with what my life would be without him. I've even said I will become a nun if he ever left me so early in life because I know Jason is the one and only man I am to share my life with. I cannot necessarily say that it will subside, these thoughts because I've had them for over 2 years. However though it just makes me want to enjoy life with my husband more. :)
ReplyDelete