I need some love, like I never needed love before...
Spice Girls? Anyone? No? Okay, moving on...
 |
| via |
I've been in a weird state of mind the last couple days. I'm pretty sure 95% of the reason can be attributed to my time of the month, but about 5% is something else. I don't know how other girls do it. I read all these blogs by ladies who have been married not much longer than I have and they make it seem so...easy. Like this magical transition between boyfriend/girlfriend to husband/wife should be more seamless and natural than it is for me.
Don't get me wrong, not a day has gone by when I've doubted the decision I made two and a half months ago, or haven't silently thanked God for the kind, sweet and perfect-for-me husband I have. But switching my mindset from that of a "single" (in a matter of speaking) lady to someone eternally bound to the hip of Charles A. Stuckert is taking some getting used to.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Chuck and I live in a city where our closest friends and/or family are four hours away. We have zero friends in Pittsburgh. Any social interations we have are with our co-workers, or each other. I know what a long-distance relationship feels like, so I do treasure all this time with my new husband. However, I'm starting to feel less like me, and more like Chuck-and-Kaity.
I mean, I guess I should have known this is what I was signing up for when I recited "...in sickness and in health...", but I never wanted to be the woman who lost her identity as a person to be someone's wife. I just...don't know where the middle ground lies quite yet.
Chuck's brother is coming to town this evening to stay with us for a couple days. As excited as I am to clock in some Stuckert family time, I'm also really excited by the idea that I'll have time to myself. I can clean, I can read, I can do some exploring in Pittsburgh. I can do what makes me, Kaity Best Stuckert, happy. The idea of being just me is very comforting at the moment.
So, any advice from married ladies out there?
How did you maintain your individuality while still becoming one with your husband?
Where is the balance?
we've been married 3 years now so obviously we're in different stages right now since you are a newlywed. all i will say is that your feelings are completely natural.
ReplyDeleteit is like all your life you were just Kaity and now it isn't like that anymore. decisions aren't made with just you. you have to not only think about yourself but the other person.
i would say don't force it. it will happen. one day it becomes second nature and it doesn't feel like you aren't being yourself, the person you've been all your life. you'll feel like you're a completely better person. i'm serious.
also make new friends. i know it gets harder as we get older but maybe you can start with a co-worker you like. it will help make you feel that your entire life is not revolved around you and your husband.
you'll be fine. i promise :)
I think it is important to do the things you listed and more. Find things that you love to do, whether it be a class at the gym, an art course or even just a weekly jaunt to Target to just browse, or maybe even a book club! It is important to have that time to yourself. I think these are totally normal feelings, do not worry!
ReplyDeleteAlmost as soon as we got married, we moved to San Antonio -- aka we knew NO one here. My mom says that's the best thing for newlyweds because it makes you cling to each other. It's true, but it's so hard! It's important to still have things that you love outside of your marriage, ya know? Quality you time, if that makes sense. :) I like being Grahm-and-Jena, but sometimes it's nice to go for a run by myself or go hang out with a friend wihout our husbands... You'll make friends soon, dear. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI love me time! We have such different schedules that it works out, but just gotta say im outta here for a bit! hope you guys make some good friends too! its hard but will happen in time
ReplyDeletefirst, i love spice girls. and marriage is so tough. it;s such a hard balance, especially the first year or 8. i think!
ReplyDeleteIt's sort of funny, because I had the exactly opposite problem when I got married. I had just moved to the other end of the country and my husband was always gone or busy and I had nothing to do BUT be alone. I didn't feel like Jon and Whit, I just felt like I'd totally lost myself. But either extreme has a balance. We've made a conscious effort to at very least eat dinner together every night. But through times when he's not busy and we're together ALL the time, we both need time to do our own thing. There is a balance, but it's different for everyone. You guys have to find what that means for you!
ReplyDeleteI think getting in your me time is super important. We have things we do together and we have things we do apart.
ReplyDeleteI'm not married but I'm engaged. My fiance is from australia as I am from Tennessee. Shortly after we moved to Aus. to live and work and make sure this is where we wanted to live after the wedding. I know 100% where you are coming from. While I love my fiance, there are days when frankly, it sucks. Not knowing anyone, not having anyone "my age" to hang out with. I totally feel like you. I have joined up at a gym which is nice but it is hard to make friends in classes sometimes. Maybe see if they have any classes you can take at an art-type place or something where you would get to talk to people and hang out. I hope that helps and again, I know exactly how you feel!
ReplyDeleteI just got married 6 months ago & I'm having the same issue. I moved about 3 1/2 hours away from my friends and family & he's about 8 hours away from his. Outside of a few friends that are about an hour away we really don't have a social life. It's frustrating to be in a city I don't know & pretty much friendless. Which means being stuck together 24/7. Not that I don't like it I just need some serious girl time every once in a while. Honestly the only thing that's been helping is blogging & forming a set of "blogger girlfriends". Hope that helps!
ReplyDeleteSweet Kaity, I have been married to my high school sweet heart for 26 years... and we have been through it girl. The ups, the downs and everything in between. Remember that life is seasons, this is just a different season for you and the hubs. God gets us through all the seasons of life. Marriage takes work, some seasons just require a little more of it then others. Showers of blessings over you friend~
ReplyDeleteSpice Girls? hells yes!!!!
ReplyDeleteNext-I know what you mean. We just got married in August and there IS a transition even though we lived together before, it's hard to feel like you're expected to attend social functions together all.the.time.
I am the type of person that requires alone time and time with friends. You have to break up the routine and each have your own lives outside of the marriage. You'll find a balance. It's so hard when you're far away from the rest of your friends & family :(
I think it's important to have a hobby or something that just you like to do without him. I'm no expert, but I can relate to where you're coming from. When we first got married, we moved away too- no friends or family near. It was a challenge, but things got better with time.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't think you should compare your relationship to anybody's, but especially not anybody's in blogland. Often people only put their best foot forward and they are in control of what you see! I think everybody has some issues with the transition of not married to married. As a lady in her late twenties, I've gotten married and a lot of my close friends have gotten married and not a single one of us hasn't had some feelings similar to yours.
Congrats on the marriage!! Our first years were great yet strange at the same time. We didn't move far from his family or our friends but since we got married straight out of college it seemed our college friends thought we were different all of a sudden and we lost touch with many of them. It was a few years before we made some good, solid friendships. Life without friends isn't very fun. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd Pittsburgh can be a gloomy place in the winter. (I'm about an hour north.)
I realized along the way that I had lost myself in trying to be wife and eventually mom. Then I realized that WHO I AM makes me a good wife and mom so I set out to find myself again. I now say "I am not a wife and mom who's name is Laura. I am Laura, and I'm a wife and a mom." Who Laura is determines the kind of wife and mom that I am. Am I making sense haha??
So find those things you love and do those things. I do loads of stuff that my husband doesn't but that doesn't mean we aren't a great married couple. It's important to have things you love to do alone and things you love to do together.
The best way to meet people and make friends? Find a church and get involved. My church has become such a family to me and my life is full again because of them. :) But I'm guessing since as I read your about and you love Jesus a ton that you probably have already found yourself a good church. :)