My Twisted Thoughts

I'm willing to bet most people don't know the story behind the name of my blog. And I'm honestly ashamed that it's taken me this long to open up about it, so here goes...

When I was about 10 years old, my Mommy re-married a very mean man. He drank too much, yelled too loud, and hit too hard. He made life as a blossoming young girl very dark and difficult. He was much of the reason I became depressed, self-medicated and self-harmed. He led me to believe that I was ugly, dumb and worthless. He hurt me, broke me and scarred me. For  a very long time, I hated my life, hated the world and hated myself.

Then, around 15, a new man entered my life. He radiated love and showed me the beauty within myself I had never known. He allowed me to be joyful and allowed me to be free from my hurt and brokenness. He earned the trust that I never thought I could give to a man. He was perfect. He was Jesus Christ.

Since meeting him, I have grown to truly see how beautiful the world is. He's shown me the extent of his love for me, and my Brothers and Sisters. He's allowed me to see my own capacity to love. I have never felt such hope, peace and joy than when I allowed Jesus Christ to enter my heart.

There are two songs that align so perfectly with the way I feel about my faith. There's a song by Todd Agnew called Something Beautiful. The lyrics that speaks to me goes,

"It's funny how all I can be, is someone completely ugly, but then when you look at me, you don't see a wretch, you see a reflection of something beautiful."

Sometimes I can be such an awful person. I get pleasure out of gossiping about others' misfortunes. I scream and cuss when someone cuts me off while driving. I go about my everyday life thinking 99% about myself and claim to be compassionate. There are times when I am quite simply, an ugly person. But then I'm reminded of the beauty of God. The God who created me in His image. The God who sees the beauty I possess because I was lovingly and intentionally created by He who created the heavens and the earth. And I am humbled.

The second song is a song by Flyleaf called So I Thought. The song in and of itself is so beautifully poetic and then at the very end, there's a line that says,

"And all these twisted thoughts I see, Jesus there in between."

A perfect name for a blog devoted to all my crazy, confuzzled and sometimes nonsensical thoughts. Nevertheless, in all I do Jesus is there with me. He is guiding me, teaching me, but most importantly loving me. He is the reason I hope. He is the reason I write. And He is the reason I love.

So i thought(live) -Flyleaf by n0vule